One More Moment

We foolishly believe we know the brokenness of a heart and the heaviness of a soul. Then in a moment that we cannot rewind the picture snaps into focus. Reminding again that life is precious and that some moments are so fleeting and others seem never ending. I don’t believe I have all the answers by any means. I am, however, acquainted with my own frailty and faults. I have been told again life is but a vapor. It seems so short…Always. We beg for more time. We beg for one more moment. But because there is no reverse, neither is there a forward we move and live in this present grief. “It is better to go to the house of mourning, than to go to the house of feasting: for that is the end of all men; and the living will lay it to his heart” (Ecclesiastes 7:2). I know that the lesson is not supposed to be regret and shame, for the product of those is crippling and only breeds more death. When my son was hit by a car I dealt with an array of emotions, but it also changed me. I try to be aware of how I drive, especially, at corners. I try to make eye contact. I try to give what I wish my son was given. I look in both directions because in a moment…lives are changed forever. 

Image of you

I see you still

In little faces

In frozen images

In my mind

In my dreams

I see your eyes peering back at me through our children

I wonder if they can see you reflected back at them

Your image like the wave of the sea

Coming into view and then pulling back again

Always there

In my memory

In my regrets

In my hopes for our children

Like the hand of an old clock, your face moves back and forth continuously

Not feeling entitled to grieve like others

Not wanting to injure others with my sorrow

So inside it stays

In images

In tears that tip toe in the dark

Telling my heart to whisper and use it’s inside voice so as to not disturb the world

What we want and What we say we want

What if I crawled up in a ball and laid in the room?

What would happen?

Your box staring back at me.

Your earthly remains held together by a clear plastic bag.

What am I being held together by?

Today my heart is flooded with the sound of old worship songs.

Songs that made us cry. Songs that softened our hearts and brought us to our knees.

You finally reached the end of the broken road you tread upon.

You cried telling me you had nothing. I asked you what you wanted. You said undergarments and clothes that fit. Plain t-shirts you said. Of course I thought.

I went to buy you all the things You said you wanted and I knew you would like. I even found the socks you talked about.

You didn’t get to wear all that I bought you before He called you home.

They sat folded on your dresser.

Now they belong to our oldest son.

I hope you liked them.

What a thing to think about right?

The things we say we want and the things we really want can be entirely different can’t they? Yeah, they can.

Thoughts...

3/23/16

Thoughts…

“Blanca, you need to come home. I believe my brother just passed away.”

The phone call that sent my heart racing. The day had finally come. The moment I would have to face my greatest fear. I felt the breath leave my lungs and I couldn’t find it again. It was gone. It went with him perhaps. Not the breath that keeps me alive, but the one that kept us together. Knitted here on Earth. It separated from my being. No longer to be defiled by my unfaithfulness and cruelty. No longer to be saturated with my inability to understand why all this had to happen at all. Always confused to why it had to be this way. Withal I had given for years upon years I was left with all I had withheld. But that is the state of man isn’t it? Either degrading our efforts or giving ourselves too much credit. How prideful we are. Believing we are in control or retain time in our grasp. It is like when an insect flies about your head. You determine to catch the little pest in your hand. You reach, swing, palm open and clinch! It’s gone. Surely you have prevailed. You slowly open your hand only to discover an empty palm. In all that we determine to do and all we reached out to clinch, time continues to pass. People continue to walk toward the grave. Are we actually spending our lives distracting ourselves from this fact? One day I will know as I am known. All these questions will be answered. For you my friend there is no more wondering.

Opening the box

Where am I? I feel so lost. I miss him. Miss seeing him. He was always home, so whenever I decided to come home there he was. He was not always pleasant to be around, but he was always around. Now his remains sit in a small clear bag, in a small black box with his name on it. That box sits it a green velvet bag. One day I was missing him so much I removed the box from the velvet bag and opened the box. My heart was racing because I didn’t know what I would see or how I would feel. I removed the clear plastic bag from the box and squeezed the bag. If I could I probably would have opened the bag to feel the sand like ashes in my hands. All I could think was, “this is all that is left.” I cried in pain. How could a personality, a person filled with hopes and dreams, a father, a husband, a brother, a son, a friend be reduced to what was held in my hands. Where are you?! I am alone. God, I am alone. All these years I dreaded, hoped, feared and even forgot that this day would come. Your body so filled with holes and scars from all of your surgeries. No more belly pats. No more scratching your back with a knife; which I hated by the way. No more anything. No more making yourself bust up until you went into a coughing fit; which I loved by the way. How ridiculous we could be sometimes. How over it we both seemed to be at the end. Just tired; both of us. The bitterness too much at times. We kicked and screamed because it was all so unfair. And no one understood. To be with you that last hour. To give you a hug before you left. I don’t wish you were here instead of there because frankly here sucks, but you knew that. I hope you are filled with all the things you lacked here. I miss you my friend. 

Disguised Grief

3/9/16

(Job 2:13)13 So they sat down with him upon the ground seven days and seven nights, and none spake a word unto him: for they saw that [his] grief was very great.

Grief disguised

So because grief disguises itself; it eludes us and calls into question the reality of its existence. I remember seeing a man that lost his newly born child. He came to church smiling and proclaiming the goodness of God, but his wife was overcome with grief. She spoke not a single word. She dared not even lift her eyes past the ground. How she grieved I thought. As for her husband I was uncertain. He seemed less impacted by the sorrow of the time. I am sure there were those that looked on and thought “wow what great faith he possesses!” I was not one. I focused on the wife and her grief and allowed her pain to fuel my fear. “God, could I live through such loss? I dare not even imagine it.” For years she remained a contact point of grief and loss for me. I thought what a tragic life. Years later the husband would break down talking about his loss. I thought well now he must be in touch with his loss. I spoke from ignorance having never experienced such a loss myself.  

Does Destiny Stand A Chance?

The wonderment of destiny and chance. How can one override the other? Who is the authority? Who has the final say? Destiny you make everything purposeful and sure, but with you is bitterness. Why is it your way or none at all? Destiny you offer security yes, but you are also a dictator. Is there no consideration for any other choice? And Chance, with you is possibilities but fear is your companion. Chance is a gambling man with no sense of obligation to any one person. You play with other people's lives and are separated from the outcome.  Is it all a game for you and we are your pawns? There are truly pros and cons with you both. Can I even know what is best for me? In a moment of choice I feel so confident and sure only for that confidence to be turned into regret and doubt. I am a frail being. My sight can be blurred and limited.  I am in deed in need of a savior. How my mind races from one choice to the other like it is playing musical chairs. When will the music stop? Where will I be when it does?